Back by popular demand, this was originally published Dec. 23, 2008. Apparently our "dark humor" is appreciated. It is sad that the American Catholic Church has come to this.
Twas the night before merger, when all through the church,
There were lists of new ministries for all to search.
The coffee mugs were hung by the cappuccino bar with care,
In the hopes that the barrista soon would be there.
Most parishioners were nestled all snug in their beds,
And visions of mocha lattes danced in their heads,
And Mama in the labyrinth and I with guitar,
Were amazed the Spirit of Vatican II had come so far.
When out in the coffee bar there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my "pew" chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the "community gathering area" I flew like a flash,
Tore through the spiritual dance practice area and fell into the full-immersion baptismal tub with a splash.
Whipped cream on the top of the freshly brewed jo,
Gave rise to a grumbling in my tummy below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a hungry bishop with a New Age liberal agenda near!
With a bright shiny plan so vibrant and new,
I knew all our stodgy, old fashioned ways were through.
More rapid than eagles his closures they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
"Bye, St. Mary's! Bye, St. Anthony's! Bye, St. Gregory's and Holy Name!
"Bye, St. Jude's! Bye, St. Ann's! Bye St. Maurice, and St. James!
"From the top of the steeple to the floor of the hall,
"Now sell away! Trash away! Smash away all!"
As Wawas with crosses point up to the sky
When they meet at the Chancery, everything is a lie.
So out to the parishes the vultures they flew
With all the Conveners and Womonpriest Vollmer, too.
And then, at the door, I noticed a sulferous smell,
I looked up to see the director of priest personnel.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
His lackeys pushed the man next to me down to the ground.
Another was dressed all in black, from his head to his feet,
The prettiest priest I ever did meet.
With shoes so shiny, every time he looked
He saw himself shining back and he was quickly hooked.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His teeth, how white!
His cheeks were like roses, his abs really tight!
If he worked really hard and kept his nose clean
He would surely climb to the top of the corporate machine.
But Terry Odien and Peter Joyce, they did not come alone,
With them was the man who sits on the Cathedral throne.
He had a mean face and a round belly crossed with a chain
That shook when he bellowed like a bowl of chow mein.
Bishop was chubby and plump, a right grumpy old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!
But the magnitude of his ego (the size of his head),
Soon gave me to know I had everything to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And emptied the bank accounts, then turned with a smirk.
And laying his fingers on everything he saw,
"To Follieri," he said, "I will sell it ALL!"
He climbed up in his minivan, to his deacon gave a whistle,
They smiled at each other, which caused me to bristle.
And I heard him exclaim as they drove out of sight,
"For some change is difficult, but for me a delight!"















