Just one month ago I was privileged to receive a letter from Bob Nardelli. You know Bob. He's the "Chairman and CEO of Chrysler LLC." There's good news from his end, it turns out. He tells me he's "very pleased to announce that Chrysler LLC has signed an agreement in principle to establish a global strategic alliance with Fiat to create a vibrant new car company." Wow! Vibrant! I know all about that now. Vibrant is good. Peppy. Positive. A breath of fresh air. Pulsating growth. Good joojoos. It should be interesting to see what the new Fryslers look like.

I thought, though, that the letter might be of use to the Diocese in trying to shill their merger packages. So I took it upon myself to revise where necessary. I guess Fryslers may be something like "Catholic family faith communities," now that we're moving away from the term "church." Church is so...churchy. So uncool.

For the past couple years we have worked tirelessly to reach agreement with key parties on concessions that would allow the Diocese to complete its alliances and closures and proceed with its plans without any need for actual transparency. Despite substantial progress on many fronts, largely due to lay complacency and a willingness to believe those in positions of authority, our own continual spinning and bending of information, and the use of heavies, outright political propaganda, and the like, we have been able to receive concessions. As a result, to facilitate these alliances and create new merged entities we will be proceeding with what is typically referred to as "structured" consolidation and closure.

In doing this, we have submitted motions under Section 1234567890ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ in Subsection EENYMEENYMINYMO under Canon Law #1UKMA in order to carry out this plan. With or without the approval or consensus of Catholics within the Diocese, and with or without the guidance of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the scheduled mergers, closures, and consolidations are expected to be completed in an undisclosed time period.

Rest assured that there will not be a moment's interruption in our work to meet the needs of all Catholics in the Church of South Jersey. The new entities will seamlessly transition so as to accommodate all. The new "faith communities," "parish families," and the like--as we will henceforth be calling them--will continue to produce and support quality spirituality over the long term, under the "Catholic," "Christian," "Church of South Jersey," and several other brands.

Some may be wondering if remaining or becoming a Catholic at this time, amidst all this turmoil and confusion, is a wise decision. Beginning today, the Diocese of Camden can look forward to the future with great optimism. In most cases your new local "faith family community" will have programs you will find attractive, including various varieties of coffee products, scones, and in some cases trendy pop spiritual products such as labyrinth walking workshops, Deepak Chopra CDs available to borrow, or even "A Course in Miracles." All products and programs will be well-priced and attractively packaged. Your local worship leader or lay minster would welcome the opportunity to speak with you about today's products--not that old, stodgy and medieval Catholicism--but spiritual products for the modern Catholic, which have the highest quality rankings in the history of our Church.

We are profoundly grateful for the support of the gazillions of Catholics in South Jersey who support our program. We take enormous pride in the contributions we have made to the religion industry, are honored by the trust you have placed with us for the past several years of the Galante Administration. We look forward to continuing to serve you for many years to come.

Again, I thank you for your support and look forward to serving you with outstanding Catholic spiritual products and services from a strong, new, and most importantly a significantly shinier Diocese of Camden. We aim to make vibrancy something you can sink your teeth into! To show our appreciation, we would like to extend the attached coupon incentive that will admit you and any three family members, free of charge, into any of our newly merged "parish community" entities, to any Sunday "liturgical celebration" taking place in the coming 24 months. (Offer expires July 2011.)

Update: Just yesterday Jimmy, Bob's bud, sent me a letter. You'll be happy to know that "Chrysler LLC has successfully emerged from our restructuring as a vibrant new car company called Chrysler Group LLC." It's reassuring to know that the "Church of South Jersey" is in such good company. Who knew that "vibrancy" was something Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, was shooting for when He established the Church upon earth? I feel shiner already.